Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Scared, I think

I woke up around 5am today and wasnt able to go back to sleep. Ive been so sure of my decision up until today, and now Im becoming filed with fear and regret.

Ive been trying to think up a way to sum up my feelings on this, but I havent really been able to. For anyone who doesnt know, Ive decided to leave New York City. Im currently working out my last 2 weeks, my last day at work is next Wednesday and Im moving back to Pa the following Saturday, I dont have any real plans, I dont have a new job, I dont really know what Im going to do.

I havent been happy here since maybe, the first month I moved here. I dont really like my job, Ive learned a lot and gotten a good experience, but I cant see myself here any longer than I have been. That, and I cant barely afford to survive here. 2/3 of my money goes towards the rent and utilities of an apartment that I hate where I live with a girl that I really cant stand. Do you know what its like to listen to some girl cry everyday for six months over a loser boyfriend? I do. And it fucking sucks. I have an option to get out of my lease right now, and I decided to take it.

While I can give endless reason for why Im leaving, I can only think of one for staying but Im still scared and worried that I wont be able to move forward. I dont really know what I want, where I want to be, or what I want to do, but Im pretty sure that I dont want to do this anymore.

So, as of April 28, Ill no longer be a New Yorker and Ill be back in Lancaster. I kinda feel like I failed myself, but I think I have. Im just not happy here. Right now, Im planning on moving to Philadelphia. I may move back in with Caitlin, maybe not, Im just going to have to wait it out.


Jenna said...

i don't think it's failing at all. failing would be staying if you were unhappy because you thought you should. good luck ashley, keep in touch about the whole shabang~

Anonymous said...

you'll be fine. i don't think anyone at this point knows what they want or what they want to be. i've been here for almost a year and i'm still not sure i'm happy. especially now that kristen's left i think about moving somewhere else everyday. my job is alright but i'm not totally sold on greeting card design or the midwest. let's meet up in the same city and live and work there. call ryan, let's get him in on it too!

Anonymous said...

you know, i have 2 bed rooms...